Do they take Discover Card in Heaven?

I'm not doing very well at getting in here and posting to this blog very often, but since this is mainly for my own sanity and if somebody happens to come across my ramblings than maybe/hopefully they can take a little something away from my experience. 

Today I have a rant and this has been something that's agitated me for years.  At first it was telemarketers calling to invite Kyle to various events - and since he would have been about the correct age for such events, I swallowed my tears long enough to inform the telemarketer that Kyle had passed away and please remove his name from whatever list it is that he is on. These calls still continued on for several years from various companies.  Since then we've dropped the house phone BUT we continue to receive marketing mail for Kyle.  Dare I also mention that we've moved?  How is it that they can update our family address but NOT be aware that Kyle has passed away - and for that matter ... where did they get his name from anyway?  Is this something the school sold or gave out?  And before everyone goes getting all high and mighty on me and thinking that I'm just being oversensitive... Kyle has been deceased for 10 years now, I've made it a point to tell each and every single telemarketer or opened the mail to let the sender know that Kyle has passed on - so why is my deceased son receiving Discover card applications???? 

Seriously Discover Card?  You honestly think they need credit cards in the afterlife?  Don't bother blaming it on shoddy information you received from some unknown place either.  As a credit card company I'd think it would behoove you to be sure that the credit card applications being sent out are to living people.  No wonder credit card fraud is a major problem.  This is the second application from a credit card company we've received in the past 6 months - and let's not forget the razor we received - compliments of Gillette.  And oh yeah, we tried contacting them to let them know that Kyle had passed away and received a generic email back days later.  They never even had the courtesy of trying to contact us personally to apologize for an error that had me in tears for hours.

OK, so I'm guessing this information is getting out through some listing through the school - because that's the only place that would have had Kyle's age, what would have been his graduation year, etc. so why is it that the school did not have his information removed from the listings when he died?  Or updated the information so that parents aren't constantly reminded of their loss and the things that their child will never do.  This particular Discover envelope has 'For College.  For Life' on it... and those simple words break my heart.  Kyle will never attend college... his life ended at 10 years old.  Hell, he never even had a chance to learn to shave, date, attend a high school football game.... the last thing I need or want is some corporation sending crap to my house that only reminds me of everything I've lost.   I'm angry, hurt and more than a little frustrated.

Am I being bitchy or oversensitive?  I'm sure to some degree I am but you know with what would have been Kyle's 20th birthday coming up I'm not in the mood to sugar coat the facts or my feelings regarding the crap I've taken off everyone from family members, to the local school, right down to the companies looking to suck my kid into credit card debt.  Losing a child is a nightmare and I expected a little support from the community in general - instead everyone acted like we should just pretend Kyle never existed and get on with life or 'oh he's at the right age for us to start sending marketing crap.'  Not once has anyone besides my father had the foresight to remember Kyle's birthday and send me a 'thinking of you' card/email.  I never forget Kyle's birthday and spend the day depressed and cry myself to sleep so knowing someone else remembers and is commiserating with me helps.

Alright, now that I have that out of my system, I'm off to deal with the Obamacare form since our crappy insurances have decided to dump us because they weren't up to the lofty Obamacare standards apparently. SNORT... they weren't even truly up to our standards but at least they were reasonably cheap - even if my husband's insurance didn't cover anything.  Well, at least now we'll all be on one insurance plan - assuming I can get this huge form filled out - and that's not even actually applying for the insurance!  That form is just to find out if we're eligible for the tax credit - then I'm guessing we have to jump through a bunch more hoops before we can actually get insurance. 

I hate to admit it but I'm just annoyed in general and any little thing is going to set me off - lets just wait until the next mail delivery and see if I'm going to have to 'unleash the beast' and go off on some poor minimum wage telemarketer somewhere.

emotions are all over the place

Kyle's been on my mind more than usual lately.  I can't explain why since I don't understand it myself but he's come up in several conversations with my husband including one in the car when we talked about the day Kyle died and how we felt during the couple hours before he could get home.  He was an over the road truck driver at that time and had just left the house that morning.  He said that he held it together until he could get to the house and then broke down and I had to admit that I've never been able to break down or mourn the way I should be able to.  I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take care of everyone around me.  I cried privately, raged privately, and presented a brave front to the world.  It was so vitally important that I keep life as normal as possible for Cody.  His whole life had been irrevocably changed and there was nothing I could do to fix it for him so I sucked it up and kept going.  Now here it is 10 years later and I still feel like I have all this anger, hurt and pain built up inside of me.  Maybe it's because the holidays are coming and this time of year is always so difficult.  The entire family acts like life should just go on and I should be all gung ho to attend all the family gatherings but they're just painful events for me that I don't want anything to do with. 

Now for something completely unexpected, there's a possibility I'm pregnant.  I'm not sure how I feel about this right now.  Cody's sixteen, almost 17, and I was kind of looking forward to just growing old and having grandkids someday, wasn't planning on having any more kids of my own.  I know, I should have used birth control since I didn't really want any more kids but my husband I have been together for almost 21 years and only had the 2 children - and never used any birth control.  We always just agreed that we'd accept whatever kids God send us and when we lost Kyle we were just happy that we still had Cody to help comfort us with our loss.  In any case, we won't know for sure one way or the other until we take a pregnancy test or mother nature decides to show her calling card but I just haven't felt right over the past couple weeks.

SIGH.  my blog looks boring doesn't it.  I think I need to start taking pictures to share.  I've already decided NOT to use any that are available on the internet simply because I don't want to be sued for using someone else's work and I've heard horror stories so in my opinion - better safe than sorry - so now I just need to muster the time and energy to break out the camera and use it!

I better get motivated now on a totally different issue. I have book reviews to get written that really need to be done today... not much in the mood but that doesn't change the fact that I promised to get them written and should have had them done days ago.

Introduction

As of August 2013 it’s been 9 years since my oldest son, Kyle, died unexpectedly and I still find it difficult to get on with life.  It simply doesn’t seem right that the world still revolves when someone so vital to my very existence is gone… but still I put one foot in front of the other and carry on with raising my other son, working, and various obligations … however the pleasure I once found in family, music, holidays, hobbies is muted, if not gone entirely.  Try explaining that to family and friends though and they act like I’ve grown a second head.  For me, it’s a matter of muddling through my new reality while hiding my tears, anxiety and disappointment from those who either don’t understand or simply choose not to acknowledge that my life has forever been altered. 

Through this blog I hope to exorcise my own pain, grief and anger, share Kyle’s story, express my feelings about everything from what happened to Kyle right down to my family’s attitude (and yes, I fully intend to be candid about what happened and/or was said).    Admittedly I’m incredibly angry about what happened, not just because my son died in an accident that could have easily been prevented, but the school he attended was aware he was engaging in ‘the choking game’ and nobody said anything until two days after his death, then I was told “I saw Kyle and so-and-so cutting off their oxygen supply using their hands and told them they were killing brain cells.”  Now, you might think that it wasn’t the school’s responsibility to clue me into this little issue but when a child has an IEP specifying that he has difficulties identifying dangerous situations, and they witnessed something like this then by God they should have picked up the phone!
 

Obviously Kyle's passing is only one aspect of my life but it affects everything from my hobbies right down to my attitude and newfound willingness to speak out and not take anything for granted.  I want to be able to encourage parents who have children or have lost children as I have to find reasons to keep putting one foot in front of the other even when life gets you down.