emotions are all over the place

Kyle's been on my mind more than usual lately.  I can't explain why since I don't understand it myself but he's come up in several conversations with my husband including one in the car when we talked about the day Kyle died and how we felt during the couple hours before he could get home.  He was an over the road truck driver at that time and had just left the house that morning.  He said that he held it together until he could get to the house and then broke down and I had to admit that I've never been able to break down or mourn the way I should be able to.  I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take care of everyone around me.  I cried privately, raged privately, and presented a brave front to the world.  It was so vitally important that I keep life as normal as possible for Cody.  His whole life had been irrevocably changed and there was nothing I could do to fix it for him so I sucked it up and kept going.  Now here it is 10 years later and I still feel like I have all this anger, hurt and pain built up inside of me.  Maybe it's because the holidays are coming and this time of year is always so difficult.  The entire family acts like life should just go on and I should be all gung ho to attend all the family gatherings but they're just painful events for me that I don't want anything to do with. 

Now for something completely unexpected, there's a possibility I'm pregnant.  I'm not sure how I feel about this right now.  Cody's sixteen, almost 17, and I was kind of looking forward to just growing old and having grandkids someday, wasn't planning on having any more kids of my own.  I know, I should have used birth control since I didn't really want any more kids but my husband I have been together for almost 21 years and only had the 2 children - and never used any birth control.  We always just agreed that we'd accept whatever kids God send us and when we lost Kyle we were just happy that we still had Cody to help comfort us with our loss.  In any case, we won't know for sure one way or the other until we take a pregnancy test or mother nature decides to show her calling card but I just haven't felt right over the past couple weeks.

SIGH.  my blog looks boring doesn't it.  I think I need to start taking pictures to share.  I've already decided NOT to use any that are available on the internet simply because I don't want to be sued for using someone else's work and I've heard horror stories so in my opinion - better safe than sorry - so now I just need to muster the time and energy to break out the camera and use it!

I better get motivated now on a totally different issue. I have book reviews to get written that really need to be done today... not much in the mood but that doesn't change the fact that I promised to get them written and should have had them done days ago.

Introduction

As of August 2013 it’s been 9 years since my oldest son, Kyle, died unexpectedly and I still find it difficult to get on with life.  It simply doesn’t seem right that the world still revolves when someone so vital to my very existence is gone… but still I put one foot in front of the other and carry on with raising my other son, working, and various obligations … however the pleasure I once found in family, music, holidays, hobbies is muted, if not gone entirely.  Try explaining that to family and friends though and they act like I’ve grown a second head.  For me, it’s a matter of muddling through my new reality while hiding my tears, anxiety and disappointment from those who either don’t understand or simply choose not to acknowledge that my life has forever been altered. 

Through this blog I hope to exorcise my own pain, grief and anger, share Kyle’s story, express my feelings about everything from what happened to Kyle right down to my family’s attitude (and yes, I fully intend to be candid about what happened and/or was said).    Admittedly I’m incredibly angry about what happened, not just because my son died in an accident that could have easily been prevented, but the school he attended was aware he was engaging in ‘the choking game’ and nobody said anything until two days after his death, then I was told “I saw Kyle and so-and-so cutting off their oxygen supply using their hands and told them they were killing brain cells.”  Now, you might think that it wasn’t the school’s responsibility to clue me into this little issue but when a child has an IEP specifying that he has difficulties identifying dangerous situations, and they witnessed something like this then by God they should have picked up the phone!
 

Obviously Kyle's passing is only one aspect of my life but it affects everything from my hobbies right down to my attitude and newfound willingness to speak out and not take anything for granted.  I want to be able to encourage parents who have children or have lost children as I have to find reasons to keep putting one foot in front of the other even when life gets you down.